I’m not sure what caused me to impulsively wants to attend CF23 so much, perhaps it was the fact two of my online friend, will attend it, and giving me a chance to feel of what it feels like to encounter someone online for the first time, perhaps it was an attempt to know “what does it feels like to be in the capital?” (albeit a de-facto one). Or perhaps it was a curiosity of what a convention, or exhibition feels like, or maybe it’s the fact that at the end of the day i’ll manage to attend a proper film festival for the first time in my life. i guess the unfamiliarity of all these aspects combined made it a very interesting trip that i never thought of doing or planned but here we are as my train departs in less than 24 hours.

I remember asking my mom as a joke earlier this month, on how she feels if i went to jakarta alone? Obviously i expected a disapproval and i did get one, and i keep teasing her with that fact, such is my way. But not sure what happened in the next few weeks that i decided to research about travel and stuff before i ended up doing this very very frugal trip of mine, there was nothing that stroke any of my interest, but i guess i missed going on trips? To be away? To be on my own and possibly screwing everything up? 

I mean it’s been about 7 months since i’ve been idle in surabaya, and i guess i needed a “breath of fresh air”? Mind you i was 18 and i was in malang from february to october, bandung from december to january, then mojokerto from november to april. All while working throughout, I guess there was a longer gap back then and that gap was painfully depressive, and i feel the same way again, despite being on a (unpaid) internship at the moment, every single moment just feels like “oh, i genuinely CAN’T do this” before it slowly turns to rejection and starts to transform into “oh, i genuinely NEED to do something” and if it fails, here goes the monstrous cycle of self rejection, self worth and discouragement.

I guess, in a slightly dark way, it made me worried for myself, if i could pull off something as wild as doing spontaneous frugal trip like this, god knows what i can do? For the better or worse. Like, what if the Jakarta trip ends up being so eye opening that i wish to go more and beyond? That it uplifted me? That perhaps, there absolutely is more to see than the eye meets? But what if it ends up being a disappointment? Not necessarily that i was met with low expectations, but more so, that, even in the farthest, best place i could step my foot on, the ideal world is still far away, 

Sometimes i really wish that these were all temporary, that in the next 5 or 10 years, i will laugh at these words and to myself for how fragile, immature and “edgy” i was. I really, really hope that’s the case, i hope that i’ll stay motivated long enough to live, to be able to laugh at myself that way.